


Two Broken Boys

by olgushka



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Five Times, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 10:29:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10569456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olgushka/pseuds/olgushka
Summary: Five times Josh stops Tyler from committing suicide and one time Tyler returns the favor.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please, keep in mind that this work contains suicide themes. No one dies (pinky promise) but I believe that this story may be triggering for some people. Please, stay safe.

1\. Josh doesn't know what makes them lose their temper. One minute they're watching a movie, curled up on the couch under a blanket in the drummer's living room and the next one, they're snapping at each other venomously.

It's not a fake argument. It's not playful teasing, it's not about getting each other mad just to burst into a fit of laughter ten seconds later. It's the sneaky kind of fighting, the _I-don't-really-want-to-fight-with-you-but-I-need-a-stress-release-so-whatever._

„I'm just saying that-” 

„And I'm telling you that you're totally wrong about this.” Tyler hisses.

„Do you always need to have the last word?” Josh gets angry. „Can’t you just shut up for once and listen to what someone else has to say? Stop acting like you know everything!”

Things snowball from here. Tyler snaps again, Josh snaps back. Tyler raises his voice, Josh does the same. Tyler yells, Josh copies him. Tyler gets up and leaves, slamming the guest bedroom door shut. Josh gets up and leaves, slamming the front door shut. 

The worst arguments come from the smallest insignificant things, Josh knows it. He still can't believe that in the matter of a few minutes they went all the way from a tiny misunderstanding to this big screaming fight. It has never happened before, maybe because Josh always knew when to call it quits before Tyler got too worked up on the subject. He would always change the way of the conversation and they would start talking about something else, and everything would be forgotten. Not this time. This time, Josh got carried away. He let Tyler provoke him until it ended the way it ended. In screaming and discreet tears.

He steps outside and stops in front of the building. He doesn't know where to go. Is there even a point to go anywhere? He sighs, puts his hands in his pockets and turns right. 

He knows he'll be the first one to apologize even if the fight wasn't his fault. He doesn't really know who started it but he can never stay mad at anyone for long and the peace offering usually comes from him.

He wanders around the neighborhood for an hour and buys a few bags of different candy in the grocery store. He makes his way back to the apartment, slowly climbs up the stairs and opens the door. It's quiet inside. He kicks off his shoes and puts the candy on the kitchen counter. It’s time to face his best friend. 

He goes to the guest bedroom and knocks on the door. Even if he doesn't get a reply, he pushes the door open and looks inside. The room is empty but Tyler's things are still scattered all over the place so Josh assumes that he probably went out to get some fresh air as well. He turns to the bathroom, turns the light on and walks inside. He almost doesn't notice it right away but then something catches his attention and he looks over his shoulder. The bathtub is full of water. It's almost overflowing. His heart stops. 

He rushes forward, sinks his hands into the cold water and grabs a fistful of Tyler's t-shirt before hauling him up. The water splashes everywhere and Josh slips, losing his grip on Tyler and landing on his buttocks. The singer goes underwater again. Josh climbs into the bathtub with him and repeats the process, grabbing him by his clothes and pulling him above the surface. 

Tyler coughs and takes a few deep breaths, choking and gasping for air like a fish pulled out of water. He blinks a couple of times, looking at Josh with unfocused eyes.

„What the hell are you doing?!” Josh yells and shakes him by the shoulders. 

„So quiet, so quiet, no, no one knows, useless, so quiet, so nice, need to end, end, so quiet, so useless-”

The sound of a slap of a wet hand against a wet cheek echoes in the quiet bathroom. The force makes Tyler's head fly to the side. Everything stills and none of them moves for a while. Tyler blinks again, this time more aware of his surroundings. He lifts his hand to his stinging cheek and touches the skin with his fingertips. He finally looks at the drummer, like he's surprised to see him there.

„Focus.” Josh demands.

„Josh. Josh.”

Josh moves forward, throwing his arms around Tyler's neck and pulling him close. More water splashes onto the floor. Their position is awkward and uncomfortable but Josh doesn't care. He holds Tyler and runs his fingers through the singer's wet hair. Tyler hesitantly puts his own hands at Josh's back and lets himself relax in his friend's arms. 

„What was that?” Josh mumbles against the soaked fabric of the singer’s t-shirt. „What the heck were you thinking?”

„I don't know.” Tyler says. „I don't know.”

„All of this? Because of one stupid fight?”

„I don't know, I'm sorry.”

„Are you getting worse again?”

„No.” Tyler shakes his head.

„Tyler, you tried to drown yourself in my bathtub.”

„I didn't- I don't know, I don't know.”

„It's okay now.” Josh assures. „It's okay. Come on, we need to get out of the water. You're turning blue.”

They get rid of their soaked clothes and Josh helps Tyler to step out of the bathtub. He dries him off with a big fluffy towel and brings him fresh sweatpants and a t-shirt while Tyler mumbles apologies about making a mess on the floor. He leads him to the guest bedroom and sits him down on the bed. He brings him a cup of hot tea and kneels in front of the singer, taking his hand. 

„Tyler. If it ever happens again... If you have bad thoughts again, please, don't shut down. I'm always here for you, okay? It doesn't matter what I do, it doesn’t matter where I am, it doesn't matter what hour it is, it doesn't matter if we fight or not, it doesn't matter if I'm on the other side of the country... Just talk to me. Call me. Whatever. If you don't want to talk to me, talk to someone else. Call Mark. Call your mom. Just please, please, don't choose the easiest way out. You're so much better than that.”

Tyler leans forward and places a soft kiss on Josh's forehead. 

„I promise.”

 

2\. Josh doesn't believe him. He has many reasons not to believe him. When the tour starts again, Tyler tends to disappear before the shows. He always comes back hours later, just to warm up and change his clothes. He seems to avoid Josh as much as he can without making it obvious. He still makes jokes and smiles, shows Josh his song ideas, tags along on group missions to find nice food places. But then his smile drops, he gets lost in his thoughts and disappears in the least expected moments. 

Josh worries. He worries every time Tyler goes out alone. He worries when two hours turn into three and then four hours of his absence. He worries even more when Tyler comes back like nothing ever happened and pretends he's fine. 

On one of their days off, Josh catches the sight of Tyler leaving his hotel room and going down the stairs. He grabs a hoodie and his iPhone from his own room and follows the singer. He's not a good spy but he manages not to get caught by the younger man. It's already dark outside and the shadows help him stay less visible. He follows Tyler down the street. 

The singer takes his time. He doesn't seem to be in hurry, he looks like he's just taking a long walk around the city. But then Tyler changes his direction and crosses the streets and alleys that don't seem so nice and safe anymore. Josh's heart speeds its rhythm. He doesn't know why Tyler would choose this part of the city, why would he turn himself into an easy target, especially when he's a recognizable public person. Everything starts to get more understandable when they pass the neighborhood full of old buildings and dirty streets and find a river and a bridge. 

The realization hits Josh hard. He still quietly follows the singer, staying in the safe distance behind him. He stays hidden next to a big tree when Tyler stops in the middle of the bridge, grips the railings and just keeps looking down for a long while. Even if it's dark and there's only a faint light coming from the old lamp post nearby, Josh can still see the worried and conflicted expression on his face. 

Tyler chose a good spot. There's no one around, no cars, no people and the neighborhood seems dead. There's only a sound of a dog barking coming from the distance. It's so quiet that Josh is convinced that if he takes a deeper breath, Tyler will hear him. 

He still hides. He still watches. Tyler is still staring at the water. After what seems like forever, there's a tiny movement. Tyler lifts his hand and rubs it against his face, pressing his fingertips against his eyelids. That's when Josh realizes that Tyler is crying. He wants to come closer but his feet seem to weigh a tone. Tyler reaches to his pocket and takes out his phone. His thumb hovers above the screen for long moment before he starts to move it quickly, typing a message. 

Josh jumps up when he feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. He quickly pulls it out and unlocks it. He looks at the message from his friend who stands literally a few meters in front of him. He opens the message. 

Tyler, 11:37PM  
_Goodnight, Josh._

When he looks up again, Tyler's already sitting on the concrete railing with his legs dangling loosely above the water. Josh puts his hand against his mouth to muffle the yell. He stops himself in the last second, not wanting to starle the singer. 

He moves slowly, tiptoing quietly in his black chuck taylors. He’s convinced that his heart rate is probably louder than his footsteps. Tyler doesn't move. He keeps his eyes locked at the flowing water. It's not a high bridge but the water looks deep and there are rocks visible just above the surface. Even if Tyler didn't drown, the fall against the rocks would probably kill him immediately. 

Josh is only a few feet away from the bridge when he accidentaly kicks a stone and it tumbles in Tyler's direction. Josh freezes. Tyler flinches and looks over his shoulder. His eyes widen when he sees the drummer. 

„What are you doing here?” He asks with panic on his face.

Josh collects himself, puts his hands inside the pockets of his hoodie and casually walks closer. He stops close to Tyler and leans over the railing, looking down at the water. 

„You're a shitty friend, Tyler.” He says suddenly.

„W-what?”

„You promised.”

„Josh...”

„If you jump, I'll jump too.”

„Don't say that.” Tyler shakes his head. „You don't have a reason to.”

„Oh. And you have a reason?”

„Many.”

„Let me hear them.”

„No.”

„Because you don't have any reason.”

„Josh, what is your problem?” Tyler asks, annoyed. He lets go of the railing and rubs his hands against his face. 

„That's what you've been doing for the last few weeks? Looking for a place to kill yourself? This is a good place, you know. This is a really good spot.”

„Josh.”

„What? Why not other places? Were they too crowded?” Josh insists. „This one here? It's perfect. Seriously. It's so _you_.”

„Josh, please-”

„Please _what_?”

„Don't cry. Please, don't cry.”

„I'm not-” Josh touches his face. „Oh.”

„Yeah.” Tyler sniffs. „You have to go, Josh.”

„Nope.” Josh says, wipes off the tears and doesn't move. „I can't miss _the show_. I may even start broadcasting it live on Instagram. Everyone will be thrilled.”

„I'm serious. Just go.”

„I'm serious. Just _jump_.” Josh mocks. 

He turns the other way and sits down on the ground. It's quiet for a while. Then, there's a loud sigh and the squeaking sound of shoes touching the concrete floor behind him. He flinches when a hand touches his shoulder and looks up to see Tyler standing right next to him.

„Let's go back.” The singer says. „It's getting late.”

„What?” Josh frowns. „This is all you have to say?”

„What do you want me to say?”

„You're impossible. I can't believe this.” The drummer says and hides his face behind his hands. „You wanted to kill yourself two minutes ago and now you're acting like nothing ever happened? What the heck are you playing at?”

„Joshie...”

„Don't you _Joshie_ me now. I'm fucking mad at you.”

„I know.” Tyler says. „I'm sorry.”

„You're not. You're not sorry, Tyler.”

„I am. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. With me.”

„You have to get help.”

„Let's go back to the hotel.”

„You have to get help, Tyler.” Josh repeats. „Did you hear what I said? You have to get help.”

„I'm fine, Josh.” Tyler says, sitting down. He puts his arms around the drummer. „I'll be fine because you're with me. You keep me going.”

„Yet you still ended up here with an obvious plan in mind. And you didn't come to me like you promised to.”

„I know. It was a moment of weakness. It won't happen again.” 

„Somehow I don't believe you.” Josh says, resting his head against Tyler's chest. „Please, Tyler. Don't leave me.”

The singer doesn't answer. He pulls Josh closer and they sit in silence for a long while, watching the sky full of stars. 

„Josh.” Tyler whispers eventually.

„Hmm?”

„I don't really know the way back to the hotel.”

„Tyler.”

„Yeah?”

„You're out of the band.”

 

3\. The smallest things in Tyler's behavior confirm Josh suspicions that the singer is not doing well. It's all about the way his body twitches, it's the way he nervously scratches his skin, it's the way his smile drops everytime he thinks that no one can see him.

Josh sees him. He sees the bloodshot eyes, tired face and pale skin and prays for the break after the European leg of the tour to come faster so Tyler can finally rest. He stays close but doesn't pressure Tyler into talking.

Tour breaks look the same everytime. It's the same familiar pattern: Tyler stays in Columbus in his family house, Josh visits his parents, stays with them for a few days and then flies to LA. This time, instead of the airport, Josh finds himself standing on the porch to Tyler's parents house and knocking on the door. It's the instinct that leads him here, the weird feeling in his gut. 

Kelly doesn't hide the surprise in her voice when she sees him.

„Josh? Hi. I thought you went to Los Angeles.” 

„Hey. Well, yeah. I need to discuss one more important thing with Tyler.”

„You really can't stay away from each other for a minute, can you?” She laughs but steps back, letting him in. „He's in the basement, I think. Said he needed to find something that would help him compose. Told me not to bother him for a while but I guess you're allowed to go there.”

Josh nods and makes his way downstairs. He pushes the door open and looks around. The lights are on but there's no sign of Tyler's presence. Josh knows he's somewhere there, hidden among dusty boxes, old furniture and million not-needed things that Josephs collected over the years. 

„Ready or not, here I come.” He sings quietly.

He moves slowly, taking careful and quiet steps. The basement is huge. It's like discovering a whole new mysterious world. There are decades of history in there and going through all of these boxes and packages would probably take weeks. 

He rounds the thick pillar in the center of the room and finally spots Tyler sitting on the floor in the darkest corner of the basement, where the light barely reaches anymore. He has his back pressed against the wall and knees pulled close to his chest. His left arm hangs loosely around his legs when the other presses something shiny against his throat. 

Josh's heart drops but he takes a deep breath and stops in front of the singer, so close that the tips of his sneakers touch Tyler's heavy boots. Tyler looks up and their eyes meet. 

„Found you.” The drummer says and crouches down in front of Tyler. He nods towards the object in his hand. „Really?”

„What are you doing here?” Tyler asks and his voice cracks. 

„The real question is what are _you_ doing _here_.”

„Go away, Josh.”

„Nah, the last plane to LA flew away already. I have nothing better to do.” He sighs, and changes his position, sitting cross-legged on the floor. „Is it loaded?”

„Yeah.”

„Cool. It's your great grandpa's, right?”

„Yes.”

„So he fought for this country with this thing and you wanna use it for such a selfish purpose?” Josh asks and Tyler lifts the gun and presses it hard against his temple. „You really think your parents' basement is the best place to do this?”

„Why not?” Tyler whispers.

„You will leave a mess. You really want your mother to scrub pieces of your brain from the floor?”

„Why are you like this? Why aren't you trying to stop me? Shouldn't you beg me to stay alive? Shouldn't you say something clever to make me stop?”

„Why would I? If you really want to do it, you will do it anyway. It's your choice, Tyler. You never listen to me anyway.” Josh says, propping his chin on his hand. He knows the wall is cracking when the first tear falls from the singer's eye. „If you really want to give up now, after everything you've accomplished, go ahead. Put on the last show. Shot a bullet through your head right in front of me.”

Another tear.

„Tell me to stay alive, Josh.”

„Pull the trigger, Tyler.” Josh says and Tyler's finger twitches. „Kill yourself.”

„These- these are your l-last words to me? _K-kill yourself_?” Tyler's breath hitches in his throat and he let's out a sob. Another tear makes its escape. He wipes his cheeks with the sleeve of his yellow hoodie. 

Josh doesn't say anything. They look each other in the eyes again and Josh can't tell how much times passes when they stay like that, unmoving, waiting for God knows what. 

The clatter of the gun against the concrete floor seems to sound louder than the atomic bomb going off. Josh jumps up a little but then there are arms around his neck and a wet face against his shoulder and Tyler's weight on his lap. He wraps his own arms around the singer, embracing him tight in a grounding grip. Tyler cries. He's not loud but Josh can hear the sniffing and he feels how Tyler's body trembles with every sob. He pushes his face in the soft fabric of Tyler's hoodie and they cling to each other for what seems like eternity. 

„You knew I wouldn't do it.” Tyler mumbles eventually. „You fucking knew it.” 

„I didn't. I could only hope.”

„Josh? You're shaking.”

Josh pushes him gently, cupping his cheeks between his hands. He rests his forehead against Tyler's.

„Of course I'm shaking, you bastard. You had a loaded gun pressed against your head.” 

„Please, don't tell my parents.” He says quietly, pushing his face in the crook of Josh's neck again. 

„I won't.” Josh whispers and hugs him tighter. „I won't.”

„I'm _tired_ , Josh.”

Josh knows. This one word says more than hundred other words, this one word is the best answer to the question why Tyler chose to put a gun against his head.

_I'm tired, Josh. I'm tired of singing. Of touring. Of not getting enough of sleep. Of talking to people. Of answering the same questions over and over again. Of time zones. Of feeling like shit. Of pressure. Of expectations. Of living. I'm tired, Josh._

„Do you want to go to Los Angeles with me?” Josh asks quietly. „If you're not sick of seeing my face yet, that is. We could just lock ourselves in my apartment for the whole month and isolate ourselves from any form of human interraction. We could turn off our phones and ignore all social media and we could just sleep and eat and get fat. We wouldn't even have to talk to each other. I could set you up with some therapist there, if you don't want to see anyone from Ohio.”

„Getting fat sounds good.” Tyler replies, ignoring the last thing Josh says. He shifts, making himself more comfortable against the drummer's chest. „I will never get sick of you, Jishwa. You keep me alive.”

„We will make it through.” The drummer whispers, running fingers through Tyler's hair. „I promise. But you have to promise me that you will fight.”

Tyler makes an unrecognizable noise. It's neither agreement nor disagreement.

„Tyler. Please.”

Tyler stays silent. He finds Josh's hand and laces their fingers together. He gives them a squeeze. They stay like that, not talking, until Tyler's mother’s voice announces that it's been three hours and the dinner is ready.

 

4\. Once the Emotional Roadshow Tour comes towards the end, everyone thinks that Blurryface is gone. Everyone thinks it was just a phase, a character created for the album, a carefully planned part of promoting the band, Tyler's great actor skills. No one really believes in the insecurities explanation or the black paint's meaning anymore. 

No one asks _who_ is Blurryface. Everyone wants to know _what_ is a Blurryface, what _was_ a Blurryface.

_You guys shook up the music world with your last album. I must admit, creating Blurryface was a great marketing move. The music world needed something like that, something mysterious, something new. What was a Blurryface anyway? How did you come up with the idea? Whose idea was that?_

After hearing the same question for probably the thirty-second time that week, Tyler snaps. He gets up from the couch without a word and leaves the room slamming the door on his way out, mumbling something about preparing for the show. 

After wrapping up the interview, Josh finds him in his dressing room, standing in front of the mirror, applying paint on his neck. It's completely black again and Josh wants to scream. Or break something. The interviewer's skull for example. It's not just a smudge here and there. It's a thick layer of paint on his skin and Tyler keeps smearing it nervously until there's no inch of skin visible. 

When Josh notices how nervous his movements become and how hard he presses the sponge against his neck, he comes closer and catches Tyler's wrists. The sponge falls out from his fingers and Tyler stills. 

„You're done. It's enough. You're done.” Josh says.

„It's not a phase, Josh. It's not.”

„I know.”

„He's real.” Tyler trembles. „He lives in my head and he's real.”

„I know.” Josh nods. „Do you want to take a nap? We have still three hours left until the show."

„I will leave the paint all over the couch.”

„Doesn't matter. You should rest.”

It doesn't happen often for Tyler to actually listen but this time he obeys. He lies down and Josh throws an ugly brown blanket over him. He turns the lights off and sits on the floor next to the couch. 

„What are you doing down there?”

„Gonna chase all the monsters away.” Josh smiles sadly.

„Hmm.” Tyler closes his eyes. „Okay.”

He falls asleep not long after that. Josh lets him sleep until forty minutes before the show so Tyler can change and warm up his vocal cords.

The nap doesn't help. Tyler stays distracted and shifty. The show goes bad and Josh knows it. Tyler knows it. The whole crew and technicians know it. Only the crowd seems to be oblivious to the fact that the atmosphere on the stage is surrounded by the darkest clouds. 

Tyler acts like he's on autopilot. He rushes through the songs, doesn't interact with people as much as he usually does and messes up a few notes here and there. Josh is not the piano expert but he hears and plays these songs almost every night and now, wrongly pressed piano keys make him cringe. He's not used to Tyler messing up their own songs that much. It's distracting and confusing and makes him miss a few beats in the process. 

Tyler's _don't let me be_ scream in _Goner_ is the most heartbreaking sound Josh has ever heard and it makes him hit his drums so hard that when the song ends he feels dizzy, his arms are numb and there's blood dripping down from the cut on his finger. He wipes it off on his red shorts, takes a gulp of water and watches Tyler. And when he looks at him, sitting in front of the piano staring at the keys, panting like he just run the marathon, he knows: something bad is going to happen tonight. It's the instinct again, it's the weird feeling in his gut. It's the way he can easily see through Tyler, after six years of being best friends, after six years of being inseparable, after six years of living in each other's pockets, after recent events of Tyler's breakdowns.

And even if he decides that there's no way he will let Tyler out of his sight after the show and succeds in that resolution for a quite long time, Tyler vanishes as soon as Josh gets distracted by one of the crew members. 

He runs through the backstage hallways until he bumps into Mark. 

„Have you seen Tyler?”

„Yeah, the driver took him to the hotel. He said he's tired and didn’t want to wait for the bus ride with everyone.”

„Shit! _Shit, shit, shit_...” Josh curses and Mark's eyebrows shot up at such filthy words leaving the drummer's mouth. „Where's the hotel?”

„What's going on?”

„Tell me the address!” Josh nothing but yells.

When the confused and shocked Mark tells him the name of the hotel and the address, Josh doesn't bother with any explanations. He runs out of the venue, hails a cab and gives the driver more money than necessary. It works. The ride is short and quick. 

He collects the keycard from the reception and runs upstairs to the room he shares with Tyler. Before he pushes the door open, he takes a few deep breaths, tries to steady his heart rate and calms himself down as much as he can. He knows that whatever he will see in there, it's a must to keep it cool.

He swipes the card through the lock and opens the door. He catches the sight of Tyler who's standing in the middle of the room. The singer looks over his shoulder and seems to be starled by the sound of the opening door and surprised by the drummer's early arrival.

Josh closes the door and stops in the middle of the room, looking at Tyler and the thing he holds in his hands: a noose - made from a leather belt and three black ties knotted together.

He steps closer and carefully takes the noose from Tyler's hands. He tugs both ends a few times and tries to strech it.

„Not bad.” Josh nods. „You think it would be enough to hold your weight long enough to succesfully do the job?”

„Don't.” Tyler whispers. 

„There aren't many places in this room to do this, to be honest.” Josh looks around. 

„Stop.”

„Maybe the chandelier. Or the balcony railings. No, the chandelier would be better - knowing you, you wouldn't want to bring that much attention to yourself by hanging yourself outside right above the main road.” The drummer continues.

„Please. Stop.”

„The chandelier then. Do you want me to help? It's quite high up but if we could just put a chair here, I could easily throw this over those chains. Then you would need to climb the chair, or maybe I could lift you up, and once you have-”

„Shut up!” 

„-the noose around your neck, we will knock the chair over but-”

„SHUT UP!”

„-the real question is: what is the chandelier gives out and falls down under your weight before you die and it will leave you tied to the bed as an unresponsive vegetable forever? Have you thought about th-”

„Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shutupshutupshutupshutup-” Tyler screams as loud as he can and falls to his knees, pulling his hair and rocking back and forth. 

Josh puts the noose on the bed and kneels down in front of Tyler. He doesn't need to wait long. He quietly says the singer's name and it's enough for Tyler to throw himself at Josh, holding onto him for dear life and sobbing loudly, pressing his face against Josh's neck. 

„You wanted to leave me. Again.” Josh says, gently massaging Tyler's back.

„I want to die, Josh.”

„You don't. The world is big, scary and overwhelming and I know everything gets too much sometimes but you really don't want to die, believe me.” The drummer sighs. „There are so many beautiful places we haven't seen and things we haven't done. I want to see those places and do those things. But I want to do that with you.”

„Josh...”

„Tyler. You need to understand one thing. Where you go, I go. If you... _leave_ , I will leave too.”

„Don't say that.”

„There's no point for me to continue living without you by my side.”

„But your purpose...”

„You are my purpose, okay? You are. I'm nothing without you.” Josh says and it sends Tyler into hysterics. He coughs, choking on his tears. „I won't let you take the easiest way out. You're better than that.” Josh hugs him tight and kisses the side of his head. „I'm nothing without you. Please, don’t leave me, Tyler.”

 

5\. For the next few weeks Tyler seems happy. Josh can't tell if his mood really improved or Tyler suddenly became Oscar-worthy actor. Maybe it's the realization that the tour comes to an end or maybe it's the Australian weather. It doesn't matter. What matters is that Tyler smiles and socializes again and talks more than usually. 

„Ugh. My phone is dying, I need to find my charger... Please, continue.” Josh says to the phone, wandering around his hotel room. After searching through all his bags and pockets, he walks out of the room and knocks on Tyler's door, never stopping the conversation. 

The singer opens the door and looks at him questioningly.

„Mom, wait a second.” Josh says, entering the room. „Hey, Ty. Have you seen my charger?”

„No, man. But you can look around, maybe it's here. If not, you can borrow mine. It's in the bag.”

„Thanks.” The drummer grins. Not finding the charger around the room, he kneels on the carpet next to Tyler's bag. „I'm back, mom. So, after that, what did Ashley say? Uh-uh... No way! Did she really?” He balances the phone between his cheek and shoulder and searches through Tyler's things. He finds his NASA t-shirt folded between Tyler's clothes. Surprisingly, his charger is there as well, tangled with Tyler's one. He's about to close the bag but then something catches his eye. He reaches inside again and moves Tyler's jeans aside. „What- Mom, mom. Listen. I'll call you back, okay? Need to take care of something. I'll call you later. Oh, time zones, right. Okay, maybe tomorrow? The same time? Great, yes. Okay. Okay. Yes. Bye. Love you too. Bye.”

He puts the phone in his pocket, takes a deep breath and reaches to the bag again. He turns around and steps closer to the bed where Tyler sits crossed legged on the top of the covers and types something on his phone. 

Josh throws three small bottles on the bed and Tyler looks up.

„What is this?” Josh asks.

„Sleeping pills.”

„You don't take sleeping pills.”

„I do now.” Tyler says and averts his gaze.

„You have a panic attack everytime you have to swallow a pill so don't lie to me.”

„I need them.”

„Three bottles?”

„Yes.”

„Who prescribed you this much?” He asks. „Tyler.” Josh says firmly.

„What is your problem, Josh?” Tyler snaps angrily. „These are sleeping pills. I need them to sleep.”

„And never wake up?”

Silence fills the room. 

„Did you find your charger? Oh, you did. I guess you can leave now.” Tyler says, focusing his gaze on the sheets.

„Yeah. You're right. I should leave.” Josh nods but before he opens the door, he takes the bottles and puts them deep in his pockets.

„What are you doing?!” Tyler raises his voice. „They're mine!”

„Uh-uh.” Josh sighs and leaves. 

Tyler bursts into his room a moment later. 

„Give them back!”

„Don't worry, if you ever have a hard time falling asleep, I'll make sure you get _one_.” The drummer says, busying himself with plugging his phone to the charger. 

But then a hand grabs his arm and quickly spins him around. Before Tyler can say anything, Josh catches both of his wrist, pulls him closer to his chest and in one swift move, connects their lips together. The singer stills against him and Josh pushes harder, deepening the kiss and taking Tyler's bottom lip between his teeth. He breaks the kiss for a moment and their eyes meet but then Tyler frees his wrists and throws his arms around Josh's neck and this time, he's the one to initiate another kiss. 

There's nothing romantic about it. It's a hungry, angry and desperate make out session. Tyler lets out a shaky breath every time he pulls away to catch some air but then his lips press against the drummer's again and everything starts over. 

Eventually, Tyler pulls off completely and rests their foreheads together. He keeps his eyes focused somewhere on the pattern of Josh's shirt, never looking up. They're both panting heavily and Josh's hand caresses Tyler's side, moving up and down to finally still on his hip. 

„Give me the pills.” Tyler says quietly.

„No.”

„Why?”

„Because I know what you have in mind and I won't let it happen.”

Tyler takes a step back and glares at Josh. He looks angry. He shakes his head and runs out of the room. Josh exhales.

They don't see each other for the rest of the day. Tyler locks himself in his hotel room playing ukulele and singing for hours and Josh hangs out with his brother. When Jordan convinces Josh for a late night city-exploring, Josh agrees immediately. They give each other half an hour to change and meet in the lobby.

When he opens the door to his hotel room he gasps and stops in the doorway. Things from his suitcase are scattered around the floor and the drawers of the bedsite table are open. He steps further into the room and kneels next to his suitcase. The pocket where he hid the pills is empty. 

He curses under his breath and goes to Tyler's room. He finds him sitting on the floor, crushing white pills into powder and mixing it in a water bottle.

„Okay, that's it.” Josh says and Tyler looks up at him, confused.

He closes the door and sits on the floor in front of Tyler, mirroring him. The three bottles lie on the carpet and one of them is empty. He realizes that its contents are currently in Tyler's hand. He takes another one, pops it open and spills all the pills into his palm. He reaches for another water bottle and takes if from the table. 

„I fucking told you.” Josh hisses and Tyler flinches. „I told you, Tyler. If you go, I go. You wanna do it? Fine. We'll do it together. If I can't stop you from killing yourself, we can kill ourselves together.”

„Josh, no-”

„How many do you plan to take? All of them? Fine.” Josh's anger builds up. 

„Josh, stop it.”

„Why should I? I always ask you to stop and you never stop. So I won't stop either.”

„No-”

„Let's get over with it, shall we?”

Everything happens in the blink of an eye. Tyler screams Josh's name when the drummer tilts his head back and lifts his hand to his open mouth. Tyler drops the pills and the water bottle to the floor and throws himself forward, knocking the bottle from Josh's hand at the same time when drummer takes a big gulp of water and swallows it all. He looks down at Tyler again.

„What have you done?” Tyler whispers, looking at him with a terrified expression on his face. The spilled water makes a mess on the carpet. „What have you done?” He repeats, taking Josh's face between his hands, when the first tear spills from his eye. „Oh my God. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it wasn't-” Tyler starts to panic.

„Aren't you going to take them?” Josh asks calmly, pointing his finger to the rest of the pills.

„No, you- You idiot!” Tyler screams. „Oh my God, what have you done!?” He pulls his hair and looks around the room. „I need- An ambulance, I need to call an ambulance, shit, _fuck_!”

Tyler tries to get up from the floor but Josh's grip on his wrist holds him in place.

„No.”

„No? NO?! You're dying, oh my God, you're gonna die- Let me go! I need to call- I have to... I love you and you're gonna die, and I can't- Why did you do that!?” Tyler cries loudly and once again tries to free his wrist but Josh pulls him down again and the singer lands against Josh's chest. Josh puts his arms around him and stops him from struggling. „I love you.” Tyler whimpers. „Josh, I love you, I love you so much... Let me go, I need to save you, there's still time, I need to-”

But then Josh's hand appears right in front of the singer's face and the drummer opens his palm. Tyler gasps when he notices that the pills are still there. 

„It's okay.” Josh says. „Calm down. It's okay.”

„Okay?” Tyler repeats, pushing back and crawling away from the drummer. „Okay!? You- you tricked me? You tricked me. You fucking tricked me! Is this funny to you!?” He yells. „I was so scared!”

„Yeah?” Josh quirks his eyebrow. „You were scared? And you think I'm not scared? I've already found you with a gun pressed against your head and a noose in your hands ready to be used, you wanted to jump off the bridge and drown yourself in the bathtub and now, you brought three fricking bottles of sleeping pills with you for the obvious reasons and you're the one who's scared?!” Josh raises his voice. „Good. At least you know how I feel every time I find you being one step away from killing yourself! At least you know how I feel when you refuse to get help every damn time!”

Tyler closes his eyes. There are tears running down his face and ugly sobs leaving his chest as he presses his back against the wall. Josh sighs and puts the pills back in the bottle. He reaches for the other empty one and collects the scattered ones that Tyler dropped earlier. When he's sure that there are no more left, he gets up from the floor and leaves the room, taking the pills with him. 

He flushes them in the toilet and hides the empty bottles at the bottom of a trash bin. He calls Jordan, cancels their plans and goes back to Tyler's hotel room. 

The singer sits in the same spot with his legs pressed to his chest and forehead resting against his knees. Josh takes a handful of paper towels and cleans the mess on the floor. Then he sits down next to Tyler.

„You need to get help. I'm not strong enough to fight for you when you don't want to fight for yourself at all.” Josh sighs. „I'm serious. You need to get some professional help. I tell you this every time and you always ignore it. This is the final straw, Tyler. I can't watch you die. It's either you getting help or me quitting the band.”

Tyler looks up and sniffs.

„You wouldn't.” He says, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.

„Oh, I would. Don't make me prove it to you.”

„Josh, please...”

„You’re getting help, Tyler. Or the next Twenty One Pilots’ album happens without me.”

 

+1. Tyler decides that going completely dark after the end of the tour was probably the best decision they could make. He turns off his social media notifications, tells their manager to decline every interview proposition. He takes a break from writing, hides his ukulele under the bed and buries his lyric notebook at the bottom of the wardrobe under a pile of clothes. 

_A break is a break_ , he tells Josh and later argues with him when the drummer refuses to hide his drum kit as well. The argument ends with an hour long tickle fight slash make out session on the bedroom floor.

Tyler feels happy. He stays with Josh in Los Angeles, takes his new medication and visits a therapist once a week. The bad thoughts are gone, Blurry is silent and the sunny weather makes everything better. He catches up on sleep and gets the proper amount of rest every night. They either spend the whole days cuddling on the couch and doing absolutely nothing or they drive around in Josh's car since early morning, exploring new parts of the city and taking long walks on the beach. 

Tyler feels alive. For the first time in a long time everything goes right, exactly the way he wants. 

He doesn’t expect anything bad to happen, yet when he wakes up to the empty and cold side of the bed at seven o’clock in the morning, the wave of strange feelings floods his chest. He leaves the bed and walks out of the room. The bathroom door is slightly ajar and the light is on so he peeks inside. He frowns. He opens the door and steps inside just to see Josh standing frozen in front of the mirror. His clenched fists rest at the edge of the sink and there's blood dripping down the fingers of his left hand.

„Josh?” Tyler whispers.

The drummer turns his head and looks at him. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. Tyler approaches him slowly and unclenches his bloodied fist. A razor falls out of his grip and clatters against the bottom of the sink. 

„Oh, sweetheart. You don't need this. You don't need this.” Tyler shakes his head. He sits Josh down at the edge of the bathtub, kisses the top of his head and leaves with the razor. He throws it away and comes back to the bathroom, taking the first aid kit from the cabinet. 

He washes the inside of Josh's palm with a lukewarm water and applies an antiseptic cream on the wounds. He wraps a bandage over the drummer's hand and finishes it with a firm knot. He laces their fingers together and places a soft kiss on the top of the bandage. 

„Come on.” Tyler says, pulling Josh to his feet. He leads him to the living room and makes him sit on the couch. He disappears in the kitchen, comes back with a glass of water and offers it to Josh. The drummer sips it slowly until the glass is empty. Tyler sets it down on the coffee table and sits close to Josh, letting him lean against his side. He lets him cry while he keeps kissing his bright yellow hair and running his fingers over his arm. „Let it out. It's okay. Let it out.”

„I'm sorry...” Josh hiccups. „I'm so sorry. I'm supposed to be the strong one, I'm supposed to take care of you, not the other way round.”

„Oh, you silly boy. You silly, silly boy.” Tyler smiles. „ Do you want to tell me what happened?”

„I don't really know. I just... I woke up and you were still sleeping. And I kept looking at you, and you looked so peaceful. And I started overthinking. And I realized how much I love you and how happy you make me and I got scared.”

„You got scared of loving me?”

„Yeah.” Josh nods against Tyler's shoulder. „Because I realized how right you were when you said that love is a scary feeling.”

„It is, isn't it?”

„It's freaking terrifying.”

Tyler pulls Josh closer. 

„Do you trust me?”

„With my life.”

„And I trust you. I also love you very much.”

„I love you too, Tyler. But what if one day you realize that this is not what you want?” Josh asks. „Or what if one day you feel worse again and you will do something stupid and I won't be there and you-”

„Josh.” Tyler cuts him off. „I know I have broken this promise too many times before but this time, right here, right now, I promise - do you hear me? - I promise, I won't do anything stupid. I'll fight and I will stay alive. I will stay alive for you if you promise to stay alive for me.” He says and gently massages Josh's bandaged hand. „We are two broken boys but we can make it through. You always tell me that we will make it through. And we will, okay? We will. Because we have each other. And we love each other. I don't really need anything more to be happy. As long as I have you, I'm on the top of the world. Just pick me up when I fall and I'll be right there to pick you up every time you need me. How does that sound?”

„Good.” Josh nods. „It’s a deal.”

Tyler laughs.

„Yeah. It’s a deal. But now, let’s go back to bed.”

**Author's Note:**

> I like when my characters cry a lot because then I don't feel so bad about crying over literally everything.


End file.
